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The program for the prestigious venue in Washington D.C. shows a playful dual-language show and an ad-libbed theatrical company. Conspicuously absent from the public events is the upcoming FIFA World Cup draw, likely because it is a strictly private event. Officials likely want to prevent any uninvited attendees from darkening the doorstep at what promises to be an overly lengthy, self-congratulatory spectacle where well-paid luminaries will doubtlessly parrot the well-worn cliche that "football unites the world."

A Celebrity-Filled Hosting Team

The lavish event is due to be emceed by former model and TV host Heidi Klum and diminutive American comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Joining the celebrity roster will be American football star Eli Manning on welcoming duty and actor Danny Ramirez as a roving correspondent. Together, they will oversee a ceremony that will certainly have British football fans of a certain age missing the halcyon, pomp-free days of Graham Taylor, FA officials, the old draw system and a trusty fabric pouch of simple, numbered balls.

Scheduled to last almost three grueling hours, the event will include a seemingly endless playlist of speechifying, saccharine video montages, approved gags, celebrity guests, musical turns from acts with either little shame or enormous tax bills, and then... at last, the actual World Cup draw.

Athletic Greats on Ceremony Detail

Included in those tasked with conducting the draw? NBA legend Shaquille O'Neal, ice hockey great Wayne Gretzky, football quarterback legend Tom Brady and baseball slugger Aaron Judge, all selecting balls under the watchful eye of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Considering the considerable, deep well of charisma possessed by these ageing sporting legends, barring an armed security team crashing the ceremony, it's difficult to envision what could potentially go wrong.

Actually, very little, if the tone-deaf justification of FIFA's widely reported World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing mounted by an overly deferential English yes-man is any kind of indicator. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more affordable for average fans, the reply was non-committal. "I think we have to be aware of that and I think FIFA are definitely people that are aware of that," was the statement. "But listen, I think we can look at every sector, every sector, we could have that discussion about things," it was noted. The implication seemed to be that premium costs are justified when compared with other high-end items.

The Main Event

With over forty teams already secured a place for next summer's tournament and another six set to qualify, there will be a real air of excitement once the preliminaries conclude and the main draw begins. But as fans across the globe wait with bated breath to see which three nations their own country will play in the group stages, the anticipation pales in comparison to that which precedes the announcement of the recipient of FIFA's inaugural peace prize for "people who help unite people in peace through unwavering commitment and notable actions." Given that the draw is in the US capital and the World Cup is mostly in the US, speculation about the recipient are ripe, even if the clues are apparent.

"There's no concern at the moment. I was speaking to the owner today. My connection with him is rock solid really. I have a truly open, honest and realistic relationship. So regarding my position in that sense I have completely no concerns whatsoever" – a statement from a coach with a team on a five-game losing streak, offering a classic quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced should a dismissal occur down the line.

Audience Feedback

• "Further to the discussion of a potential club named Kevin... there is an exciting Brazilian winger named Kevin at Fulham who cost more than £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be persuaded to purchase a Highland League club and bestow his name on it."
• "Going to football games in the 80s/90s, when the answer was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "I stopped reading after nine words. 'Comprised of'! What was the thought process? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an additional referee."
• "There is apprehension ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what memorable tune will a famous group come up with if a certain individual remains on the stage, thereby necessitating an encore?"