Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved many, mostly enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin to date a potential partner, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous homosexual males engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in lots of heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I want another man to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I fear the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; eventually you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring your desires completely … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the value of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American therapy professional who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.